Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) Read online

  For some reason, Julia thought he’d just pull out a camera and snap off a roll at random, like a fashion photographer. But a full half hour of preparation passed before he took his first picture. Julia tried to imagine how the pretty scene of sunlight rippling on the rushing water would appear to Marc’s trained eye.

  Distracted by his undertaking, he didn’t notice her unabashed scrutiny. She leaned back against a rock and noted how the sunlight reflected on the darkness of his hair, smiling when he pushed it back off his forehead for the umpteenth time. While he adjusted his camera lens, she admired his hands. They were artist’s hands, heavily veined with long bony fingers.

  Julia admired the rest of his lean frame as well, and wondered why he hadn’t been snapped up by some female before now. Were all the girls blind where he came from? If I was in the market, I might be tempted to set my sights on him. She wasn’t, so she could appreciate him from afar. Any notions that he might be seriously interested in her were vain imaginings. Even if it were so, it would be foolish to start something she couldn’t finish. I don’t plan on being in Oregon any longer than I have to.

  Then she remembered her desire for his kiss and felt her face grow hot. Hypocrite.

  Marc suddenly glanced back at her and smiled before returning to his work. Annoyed by the way her pulse jumped in reaction, Julia decided to ignore it. She leaned back against a large warm rock and closed her eyes.

  ***

  “You snooze, you lose.”

  Julia’s eyes fluttered open. She found herself looking into Marc’s dark gaze, which sparkled with mirth.

  “What?”

  “Because you were napping, you missed seeing some birds fishing on the rocks. It was a true Kodak moment.”

  Julia sat up and yawned. “Did you capture it on film?”

  “Absolutely.”

  She smoothed back her hair. “How long was I out? Ten minutes or so?”

  Marc stretched out on the ground next to her. “About an hour and a half.”

  “You’re kidding!” Julia sighed. “I’m sorry. I guess I was more tired than I thought. I must be keeping you from doing more hiking.”

  “Actually, I took several hundred digital photographs and exposed a couple of rolls on my other camera so I think I have enough for my article.” He leaned back on his elbow. “I also got some nice shots of you napping against the rock.”

  “You didn’t!”

  He smiled. Julia was relieved to see the teasing glint in his eyes.

  “I have to admit, though, I was tempted.”

  She brushed mossy debris from her jeans. “Well, I am sorry to just drop off like that. That’s me, lately. Life of the party.”

  Marc scrutinized her expression for a moment. “This might perk you up,” he said finally, rummaging in his backpack. He held out a brownish rectangle thing for her to take.

  “What is it?”

  “Beef jerky.”

  “Oh, I’ve heard of this stuff. I remember the salesman telling me it’s a common food for hiking.”

  “You sure are a greenhorn.”

  “That doesn’t sound very complimentary.”

  Marc took a bite of his jerky. “You’re learning pretty fast, though. Here’s a tip to speed you along the path to expert status. Never hike in new boots. You should break them in first. I’m sure you’ve discovered the joys of blisters.”

  “I’m just fine thank you,” Julia said primly, while daring herself to take a bite of the jerky. Hunger finally overcame aesthetics.

  “You wouldn’t admit to being in pain, would you?”

  She raised her brows.

  He smiled. “I knew it.”

  Marc also supplied peanuts, apples, raisins, and cold water. Julia couldn’t remember when anything tasted so good. A few minutes later, she went down by the water’s edge to rinse off her hands. Ferns crept out from between stones lightly misted by the rushing water. There was a small pool nearby where the water was cordoned off by larger rocks. She noticed a pretty white stone and fished it out.

  “What’s this?” she asked over the roar, holding it up to the sun.

  Marc came over and crouched down beside her. “Looks like it might be some kind of agate.”

  Julia pulled out another rock and handed it to him.

  “I think that’s feldspar.”

  She put another one in his hand, enjoying the feeling of having him so close.

  After considerable scrutiny, Marc shrugged. “This one is a plain old river rock.”

  “And to think I was becoming impressed!”

  “Hey, I’m a photographer, not a geologist.”

  She shook the water off her hands, inadvertently raining droplets onto Marc’s face. “Woops! Sorry about that!”

  “I suppose you expect me to believe that was an accident.”

  Julia nodded, keeping her expression guileless. He dropped his handful of rocks. They splashed into the water. She got doused.

  “Let me guess,” she laughed. “That was an innocent mistake!”

  “Of course,” he said with a lazy smile. Marc reached out and gently cupped her face with his hand, using his thumb to brush away the moisture on her cheek.

  Aware of the sudden heat in his eyes, Julia held her breath. She couldn't remember a single reason why she should fight this feeling.

  But after a moment, a look of resignation shadowed his features. He lowered his eyes and dropped his hand. Standing, he reached out and helped her up. “We should start heading back before it gets too late.”

  Julia watched him pack up his equipment. She chose to not try and make sense of the conflicting emotions tumbling about within her. Instead, with a dull, nameless pain in her heart, she followed him along the trail.

  ***

  It was nearly ten o’clock by the time they returned to the bed and breakfast. Julia’s muscles felt stiff after the long drive back. The inky darkness hid Marc’s expression as he helped her out of the cab of the pickup. She didn’t know what to think of him. The remainder of the afternoon had not been exactly tense, but there was an undercurrent of discomfort between them, and she was at a loss how to deal with it. Part of her was relieved nothing happened they might later regret. Another part was disappointed the easy camaraderie they’d shared had all but disappeared.

  Together they unloaded all her belongings inside the cottage. Marc put his hands in his pockets and seemed unsure of what to say.

  She studied his closed expression. “Thanks for letting me tag along this weekend. I really enjoyed it, and I hope I wasn’t too much of a bother.”

  He smiled. “I’m glad you had a good time.” He glanced at the door. “Well, get some rest. I’ll see you later.”

  “Bye,” Julia said as he left. When she heard him drive away, she felt sad, but didn’t really know why.

  Resisting the temptation to examine her feelings, she unpacked her clothes and put them away. Her muscles complained with every move she made. Julia decided that if no guests had stopped in for the night, she would have a long soak in the Jacuzzi tub upstairs at the main house.

  Removing the last items from her new backpack, she found a piece of crumpled paper. She smoothed it out on her knee and read the words.

  You’re crazy.

  A thought formed in her mind. Only about you, Marc Dorin.

  ***

  Marc nudged the paper around in the tray of developer. Slowly, in the red haze of the bulb above, an image began to appear. At the precise moment when the contrast reached its peak, he pulled the print from the bath with tongs. Next, he slid it into a tray of fixer, on top of several other prints from one of the rolls he’d exposed at the Deschutes River.

  Marc tried to scrutinize the prints for details of depth and composition while hanging them to dry on a line above his head, but he couldn’t seem to keep his mind on the technical aspects of his task. Images, not of nature, but of Julia remained fixed in his thoughts.

  His mind replayed each moment he spent with her over th
e weekend. How she'd jumped into helping the community center as if she'd planned it all along. The way she’d relaxed with his friends, expertly drawing them out and adding sparkle to the conversation. And her unexpected silliness at the hotel when she acted like he was a famous celebrity.

  Just when he thought he began to understand her, she did something that confused and intrigued him all over again.

  He’d never encountered a person who was such a dichotomy of strength and vulnerability—like a diamond with an inclusion—a fracture. When she’d been asleep by the river, her relaxed face revealed things she’d probably rather keep secret, such as physical frailty and deep exhaustion. When awake, he often thought the bright face she presented to the world was a bit forced. He wanted to ask her what she struggled with, but instinctively knew she’d deny any such thing.

  Julia seemed to want to be the helper, the supporter to those around her. He wondered who would be there for her. She seemed so alone somehow. He could admit he wanted to be that person she turned to, but would she? Marc feared he knew the answer to that question. He reacted by closing the door on his burgeoning feelings for her. We’re too much alike. We’re complete opposites. He sighed. We don’t have a chance.

  Marc put the chemicals away and cleaned up the workspace of his rented darkroom. When he turned on the light, everything that had been bathed in a calm softness became etched in sharp, jarring relief. He winced a little at the brightness.

  Such is the nature of reality.

  Chapter Ten

  Julia began entering preliminary data for the college consultation job into the laptop. It had been over a week since her trip with Marc. She missed him—more than she wanted to admit. But she’d spent the time compiling information for her assignment, eager to get her mind onto other things.

  The senior consultant at her firm in San Diego worked on solidifying the details of the job, but Julia didn’t want to wait until the last minute to get started. Her superiors were taking something of a chance in letting her tackle the assignment without a team to help her.

  From the information she’d been learning about the college and its satellite schools, she felt confident she could handle the job. Especially when she learned she’d be working alongside Spencer Meyers. She sensed he was the kind of person she meshed well with.

  Julia determined with renewed fervor to make Brian understand that she could still work without jeopardizing her health. She wasn’t a hothouse flower that needed to be fussed over. After being self-sufficient for thirteen years, she’d proven she could hold her own.

  Once Julia felt satisfied with her data input, she went over to the main house to help with Sara’s baby shower set for that afternoon. Sara’s aunt, Hattie Hastings, a tall dark-haired woman with bright blue eyes, had done most of the arrangements, but there were still many last minute details to attend to.

  When Julia walked in the back door, she was shocked to discover Sara in her private sitting room with tear-stained cheeks, blowing her nose into a tissue. Hattie sat next to her, patting her hand.

  Julia rushed to her side. “What is it? Is something wrong with the baby?”

  “No, I think it’s more like pre-motherhood jitters,” explained Hattie. She turned back to Sara and put a comforting arm around her shoulders, continuing to speak to her in calming tones.

  Sara spoke with anguish between hiccups, sniffles, and a wad of tissue, but her words were impossible to decipher. Julia perched on the edge of the couch while her mind floundered for a way to help. Leaning forward, she stretched out a hand to Sara’s knee. “You only have two weeks to go. It’ll be over soon.”

  Reason had no effect on Sara. “I’ll be a terrible mother,” she sobbed. “I’ve been so forgetful lately, I’ll probably leave the baby somewhere and forget all about it!” She cried afresh into a new mass of tissues.

  “But, don’t you remember—?” Julia faltered at her unfortunate choice of words and began again. “In the baby book, it talked about forgetfulness being a common symptom of pregnancy.”

  Sara nodded distractedly, oblivious to anything but her misery. A few minutes later, Brian walked in the door. He took in the scene, and went to his wife’s side and put his arms around her. Julia and Hattie stepped out into the kitchen to give them privacy. Hattie went off to prepare for the shower, but Julia hesitated, unable to resist a quick peek back into the sitting room.

  What she saw transfixed her. Brian held Sara and stroked her hair, talking to her in soft, tender tones while she snuffled against his chest. Stepping away from the doorway, Julia leaned against the kitchen wall. A sudden wave of longing washed over her. In that moment, she envied Sara from the bottom of her heart. To be so loved and cherished seemed a thing that would never happen in her life.

  On trembling legs, Julia joined Hattie in hanging streamers in the living room, masking her turmoil with the habit of long practice. Whenever she felt the hot prick of tears behind her eyelids, she ruthlessly blinked them away. This is Sara’s day. Don’t blow it.

  Gradually, the litany began to take effect, and Julia felt she’d passably reigned in her emotions. She went over a mental checklist for the task at hand until satisfied all was in readiness.

  Half an hour later, Sara emerged from her room. Her eyes were still shiny but she was smiling. Apparently her husband’s ministrations had been effective.

  “Sorry about that,” she said with chagrin. “Aren’t runaway hormones wonderful?”

  Hattie gave Sara a quick embrace. Julia couldn’t look her sister-in-law in the eye, afraid Sara might see the raw jealousy there. After shooting a vague smile in her general direction, Julia hurried back to the cottage, using the opportunity to retrieve her shower gift.

  When she returned, she helped Hattie set out trays of finger foods they had prepared earlier in the day. Sara sat in the decorated chair just as the guests began to arrive. Soon the shower was in full swing. Julia swallowed back her burgeoning emotions, thankful for the busyness that kept her disturbing thoughts at bay.

  After an hour of visiting and snacking, Sara began to open her gifts. Julia remained silent amid the gushing oohs and ahhs and that’s so cute! exclamations. When tiny little outfits, pastel blankets, and stuffed animals were passed her way, she didn’t allow her fingers to linger on their soft textures.

  Sara appeared radiant. All traces of her tears had vanished, and her smiles were genuine for the pictures Hattie took. Julia couldn’t imagine where Sara got the idea that she wouldn’t be a good mother. Would a child ever be more blessed?

  When all the gifts had been opened, passed around, and recorded, the women gathered around Sara and placed their hands on her shoulders. One by one, they offered up prayers of blessing and thanksgiving.

  Julia couldn’t take another minute. She slipped into Sara’s sitting room, closed the door, and sank onto the sofa. Her heart pounded in her chest, her lungs struggled for air. She pressed her hand against her mouth to stifle a sob, desperate to get a handle on emotions threatening to burst past the dam of her will.

  What’s wrong with me?

  She’d been to dozens of baby showers and had never reacted so violently. She should be out in the other room praying for her sister-in-law instead of hiding out and trying desperately not to cry. Forgive me, Lord, for being so selfish on Sara’s special day.

  Julia squeezed her eyes shut as the worst of the storm passed. She stumbled into the bathroom to check her appearance. A thin line of bright red blood trickled from a cut in her lip. She grabbed a tissue and dabbed at it, impotent fury making her hands shake. When she felt reasonably sure she could function without blubbering, she took a deep breath and returned to the party.

  The murmur of amens ended just as she situated herself behind the dining room table to prepare for the cutting of the cake. With a wobbly smile for the guests, Julia prayed no one had noticed her abrupt exit.

  Chapter Eleven

  When Julia awoke the next morning, her eyes were gritty and swollen from
the deluge of fresh tears that came later in the privacy of the cottage. Shame at her behavior assaulted her sore heart. She sat up quickly, anxious to get on with her day, and was punished with an almighty pounding in her head.

  Julia eased out of bed, slow but determined. She refused to lie around and dwell on whatever upset her the day before. The whole sorry episode was no doubt due to some biological alarm clock going off, added to the stress of being away from her normal environment. She needed to get up and out today and avoid useless introspection. Worrying about things she couldn’t change would only be a drain on her already low energy and cause her to lose her edge.

  After her mental pep talk, Julia rummaged in the nightstand drawer, ignoring the amber medication bottles from her doctor. She grabbed her bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol instead. After swallowing a couple of the pills, she decided her flagging spirits needed a boost.

  Julia went to her closet and searched through her entire wardrobe, choosing and discarding garments until satisfied with an ensemble. She put on a silk camp shirt echoing a 1940s style, patterned with teal and beige flowers. She tucked it into a pair of deeply pleated, wide-cuffed trousers. A wide leather belt, feminine leather wingtip shoes, and a chunky bracelet completed her retro outfit.

  With hot rollers, she added fat bouncy curls to her hair and arranged it into a pageboy style. After applying a bit of makeup, she slung a cardigan over her shoulders and perched a pair of horn-rimmed tortoiseshell sunglasses on her head.

  In the house, she found Sara standing next to the open refrigerator door, drinking milk out of a half-gallon carton.

  Sara looked over at Julia’s entrance and sighed happily before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “I needed that.”